I have been strong.
I have some urge to communicate with him but I stopped myself. His words has helped me a lot.
HY has been supportive. I was pretty cold - most likely I am still unclear of my own emotions
Somehow I feel I no longer need anyone in my life
I have everything I need
I have people supporting me
Also, I am only starting to learn what is love - the right love
He moved out today
The last sentence which came out from his mouth before we departed: I enjoy hitting people. I will not stop and I will never change. I’m telling you this so you can stop waiting for me.
It never left me.
I know he will tell me later on he doesn’t mean it (which is true coz he said it on 29 August)
I didn’t cry when he left, I only cried before he left and I was talking to him why this has to happen.
He is going to move out for good
Until now, I am still telling him i didn’t abandon him. It’s just that it’s not safe for him to stay with me and the children. He is violent, abusive. It’s not going to be easy for him to change. He doesn’t accept my advice nor does he show any sign of remorse. His mood and idea has been yo-yo’ing.
I have to leave for my own sanity. To keep myself in a healthy environment. I want to be happy, I have suffered too much… he is not my responsibility
I wished he had left and never came back!
Now he’s back, he is just a free loader.
He doesn’t has money, doesn’t has a proper place to stay, doesn’t has friend who stand by him, doesn’t has a job.
That’s why he is here. No money for petrol, to go out enjoy anymore. Eat mine, stay mine, use mine! So disgusting.
When he has money he will not be at home.
He is just using my empathy and I still do not know how to chase him out for good without hurting him.
I have been thinking, since the morning he left to Cameron Highland.
He was at home the whole day before going to Cameron. I wondered why - then I know, it was because he needed money for the trip and I was the only one who could loan it to him at that point of time. I was his last resort.
That morning, he replied ok to help me open the washing machine or hang the clothes but he forgotten about it. Why. Most probably he didn’t remember my message or my message means nothing anymore.. I called immediately after he hang up but after 7 WhatsApp call and 2 line call, he didn’t pick up. His reason? He was at the parking-no line.
Evening, I lost my earbud but once again, my message meant nothing. He didn’t reply until his live was over.
Then there is another night, he didn’t read my text but he was online. I called, no pick up. Then he online, I call again. He picked up, talk a while and he muted. When asked, he said he was sleeping when I text, then now he’s eating. He asked to stop suspecting him. Minutes later he texted saying he was not doing anything.
No explanation, no answer. Only lies and reflected questions. Relationship with narcissst is only on the surface. They do not have soul or even spirit. They are a shell without body.
He stayed another night in Penang for God knows why. Even though I have a colonoscopy on Monday, he didn’t bother to make the effort to be back to help.
It just tiring to be the one always giving and yet being condemned when didn’t give enough. Love is not only giving. It’s mutual, it’s helping each other. It’s a partnership. If there is only one person who is always giving, the day the person stop giving is the day the relationship stops.
Sunday night when he was supposed to be coming back, I told him it might not be good environment for him. I will be taking laxative for colonoscopy tomorrow. It might be noisy for him. The kids need to be up 6am and leave at 630am tomorrow-his sleep might be disrupted. His gum is swollen so he needs plenty rest. I presented facts to him - in the end - he decides. To be with ‘family’ regardless of what. Because what joy is more joyous than being with the person you love. Even if it will be noisy or uncomfortable - I know I will be happy if I’m in pain but the person I love is next to me…
His choice was - I choose my pleasure over anything else. I am in pain, no one else’s pain matter. I will be in peace and there is nothing else matter except me.
And this is how I know, I will be abandoned when I’m sick. He will never be the person who sits beside you to take care of you.
I’m staying with a useless man
I am never the kind of person who looks down on people.
This time, I have to tell the truth
When I met him, he had nothing but dreams
I enabled his dreams to become reality
When it became reality, I was blamed - he would’ve been better without a shop. His life would’ve been better if he had stayed as a worker. He was not thankful for what he had.
That was the time he said how sad he was because he is doing something he has no passion on. His passion is fashion, clothing. Food is not something he enjoyed.
God is great! He heard his woe and took the shop away from him. God gave him a chance to do what he wanted to do - out from the misery I put him in.
Guess what? He became depressed again. Depressed from no income and how he loved doing food business.
Do you see a pattern? This is the pattern of a person who is never contented with what he has.
This cycle will never end because this is who he is.
The dark trait is not a disorder, it’s called a trait because it’s in the DNA. It will never change…
I felt so stupid
The reason I left my family, my husband was because he was romantic
He would buy me flower
Yes, just a simple flower made me left everything
I am a person who is strong on the outside but so fragile in the inside. So sensitive that 1 stalk of flower can buy me over.
When I asked why weren’t there any flower - all he replied was
Flower is not real life
You always ask me to live in the real world. What you want is not real
What is so unreal about wanting flower when I’m sick?
What is so unreal about wanting gifts from the person I love when I discharge?
He added, look at your age, look at your friend. Why would you put the blame on me? Finding small mistakes to create drama with me.
No I’m not. I just want what I wanted. Is it wrong to want flower at 38?
Yes it is. I can buy myself flower. I don’t need a man who doesn’t keep his promise.
I was admitted to Sg Long Specialist Hospital on 8-Aug midnight due to food poisoning.
Normally, i would feel better after food poisoning but this time, after diarrhea and vomiting, my lower abdominal pain did not go away. The contraction would come on very frequently that I can't sleep or eat or rest. from 5pm to 10pm - then i decided that I want to go to the hospital and get myself admitted.
This is when he came into the picture. I told him around 5pm that I had diarrhea and felt terrible. He cancelled his job and drove back to pick me and the boys from school. Arrived around 6pm and I told him what Ben told me. I had inflammation at the lower abdominal so the pain will be there, but it will be better as time passes. We waited till around 10pm and I woke him up saying it's still pain and I want to go to the hospital and get admitted. He replied "there is nothing wrong with you. You are lying. There is reason and you are lying that you are in pain when you are not" I can not imagine why would anyone say this to me, when I'm in so much pain. What kind of human will say this to a person who is in pain for several hours. He said :
1. Your diarrhea is not smelly
2. You do not have fever
3. You are stress from work - you want to cheat MC
4. You are stress from your children - you find reason not to take care of them
Why on EARTH would I DO THIS!!!!
I am happy with teaching, I want to go to school everyday because I am so excited in the new things I can bring for the children. I love making music playing game with them.
I am happy with my children - although I keep complain they are noisy. But they are part of the reason I am alive. I am happy with my current status and environment. I am very contented with them.
My diarrhea is not smelly because the smelly part already gone, now the bacteria still inside and the shit just doesn't harden.
Fever yet to come because it takes time for certain bacteria to trigger the immune system.
Based on those reasoning? And based on the fact he hold on to that I used to cheat MC when I was working last time? Also, that was wrong - i will never get myself admitted to skip work. The most is get MC from clinic....
What kind of person would throw such accusation to someone who is so sick? And that person is the person he sees everyday. If he thinks so badly of me, why still stay with me? How can I make him leave?
I know I have to leave the relationship because he is not the right person.
His qualities and moral values are not the same as mine.
But I am afraid to leave because I do know what's next. What do i exactly want?
I have been depending on him, him bringing me on a roller coaster.
I want to be a wife
I want to be a mother
I want a family to go home to
At the same time, I want me time for music
I want friends which has same interests
I have to move back to my family before I met him.
He thinks my money is easy to earn.
RM 100k for his shop - I can simply earn back if I go back to work in Sg. 5 months i can get that amount of money.
So this is why he's still with me. Coz he knows I still have money for him.
All the going to Syria, US is all manipulation.
I hope I really can stop for my own good.
It’s obvious - the answer is in front of you
What do you want?
I want a complete family to go back to.
I want a house with father, mother, children whom I call family
It’s obvious this is not going to happen because he is just trying to establish himself
He is planning of leaving so it will not happen in a short period of time
The question is if it is not going to happen now, then why spend time together trying to fix something which has no point of fixing. Even if u fix the problem today, it will lead to nowhere because there won’t be future. Whatever I do, it will be meaningless.
I'm Lonely
It's not easy to be alone in a place.
I used to be alone but no more after I married my husband.
Yes, I still admit he is my husband.
I still tell people my husband is an engineer. My husband is still the father of my children.
Will I be ok if I leave A and go back to him?
Undoubtedly yes. But how to make this transition easier?
I have a decision - its implementation and process is not easy.
Especially now when I'm so lonely. I have yet to learn the art of being alone.
Work to be done - being alone yet not lonely
He made my heart so pain
How can a person be so heartless?
This is indeed a huge lesson I have learnt.
When you treat someone good, he doesn't have to treat you the same.
He is the first bad person I met in my entire life.
I have never met someone as bad hearted and selfish as he is.
He did not let go because he had no where else to go
I am still crying
There is no point to hold on anymore - this week is the time to heal and move on
He blames me for everything
He blames me for making his heart turned into stone
He blames me for all the good i done
He blames me for all the things which happened to him
Faith was right, in an imbalance relationship
The person who gives is not always right
It is making the other person handicap
If the person had given a chance to strive
He would've succeeded instead of just waiting to be fed
Love is not always giving
Love is not expecting anything in return
Love is not lonely
Love is definitely not pain
I’m trying very very hard to move on
I can’t stand him anymore yet I can’t live without him
What is this!!!
If the sight of him makes me sick, why still contact him? This is actually a good time to learn to move on since I’m so far away. There is nothing else left to salvage.
This man cheats on you several times
This man doesn’t appreciate you
This man is not on the same level as you
This man does not has any viable future
This man holds on to the wrong values in life
This man has low moral standards
There is no way I will have a happy future with this man
He is not able to share my life with me
He doesn’t understand my life
His channel is different
His social life is different
His wants are different
Honestly, there is nothing left.
放手吧，Diana…
I watched a movie “the idea of you”. Anne Hathaway who is 40 fell in love with a pop singer, who is 24.
The love was intense, similar to what I had.
But there were many obstructions from the society.
They had to separate and revisit their relationship 5 years later. It hasn’t been easy, but they made it.
It made me think, they are really mature in handling the relationship. In knowing the right thing to do.
Me, on the other hand, I’m selfish. I put my children at risk. My family at risk. This is never the right thing to do as a matured human being. I have failed to grow to be a matured human.
Realisation is the first step. What’s next? What’s the right thing to do and how to do it?
It’s disgusting!
It’s disgusting when he shows photo of my car in his videos
It’s disgusting when he shows off the expensive perfume he uses in his videos
It’s disgusting when he shares stories of his experiences as if he did it on himself
It’s disgusting when he omits me in those lavish holidays we had together
It’s disgusting he uses what we had, mostly from my, to get other woman to respect him
This is so cheap!!!
It’s disgusting now he has no place to stay, he stays at my house- bring his brother to stay
Then uses my things - my towels, my water dispenser, my washing machine, my fridge, my stove, etc
But when I needed those things, he wouldn’t be responsible.
It’s so disgusting how a person can be so irresponsible or take advantage of others!
This is his way of life. The major problem is the person who enables him - me!!!
It has been almost a month.
I am now on vacation in New York
Last night as I was watching Moulin Rouge on the Broadway, I cried. All my memories with him popped up. How could he cheated on me emotionally? How could he have been looking at those woman while saying he loves me? How could he have divorced me out of anger? How could he abuses me physically and emotionally?
Love shouldn’t hurt but this hurts.
Love is not manipulating, yet he does it all the time.
Now he is jobless and owes money, i allowed him to stay at my house. Why am i so kind? Haven’t I realised that not everyone deserves kindness?
It hurts. Especially when he uses my things to attract other woman. My car, the perfume I bought, as well as shirt we chose together.
How much longer do I allow myself the pain?
His thinking
If the wife knows her husband starts looking out, she should pay more attention to him
He is not responsible in ensuring he doesn’t look out
He is supposed to be taken care of. He is not responsible to sustain the family.
It has been on off on off
Was I tricked during the hoovering?
Does it means I’m not aware enough to pull myself away or I am still too soft hearted?
Last night he called and cried. He admits he was wrong to want to play around - looking around for other woman
Why did I accept this? Or maybe I don’t. There is a needle pricking my heart.
We were going to put a full stop - but during the session with the ‘imam’, we stop - or should say he stopped. I was crying too much that he asked the ‘imam’ to postpone the divorce session.
I was feeling disappointed with myself. Why can’t I pull through the last step? I have been a burden for everyone around me for the past week. Why can’t I just go through this and move on with life?
Then one of my friend said, this is you. You value relationship, that’s why you couldn’t do it. My emotion was too overwhelming. Or because he was not cruel enough? I need to overcome this.
This is now my new homework. Focus on yourself. Do not let others control you. Every human being has their own free will.
Day One without the tube
I had a sleepless night, i woke up 3 times clenching my fists. blaming myself for what has happened. Even though everything happened for a reason, but the emotion is too overwhelming.
I asked him to leave. Because I had too much pain. He hurt me too much and it is too pain to bear.
I have to protect myself - I have to protect my children.
There are so many unwillingness in me. The will to leave, is it that strong?
I am unwilling to accept that the past 1 year 8 months has been fake. Everything that happened is akin a dream. Now that I have unplugged myself, I have the tendency to take the tube back. Part of me refuse to leave the "matrix". It is a place i feel free and happy. It's a place I get to be the childish irresponsible me.
Heartbroken
Heartbroken because I am trying to break free from the trauma bond - which has too many invisible lines tying me down.
Heartbroken because I am the one facing the battle - no one is with me but I see many hands outside the "Matrix"
I want to be free too. I want to be strong.
I am on my own and only I can do it on my own!
Perhaps I have mentioned too many times, I would always take the road not taken. I do not like the norm, I enjoy challenging the u known. Which is also why ‘amazing’ things keep happening to me.
2022 marks a significant change in my life. A life which was supposed to be normal became abnormal. ‘Happily’ married with 3 sons, few houses, cars, savings, almost perfect husband. All disappeared overnight because of what I did. Now I reap the ‘fruits’ of the tree I planted.
2022, I started visiting psychologist. Turns out I have cPTSD.
PTSD is related to single event while cPTSD is related to multiple events, causing it to be "complex" PTSD. Sure it doesn't sound interesting.
Fast forward to 2024, June. I am still having treatments for this cPTSD - but I'm learning to be a better person. I got to know Rudolf Steiner's Anthroposophy as well as Waldorf School. It hasn't been an easy journey, I long to jot them down, but I have no idea how to start or where to start.
Or is this the beginning of the sharing?
