Day Eight - 26 June

This is really the end. 

After weeks of torturing, indecisive. 

All this while he has been manipulating me.

He came over for I don’t know why. 

In the morning he was so cold towards me, knowing things are impossible between us then suddenly appeared at night. 

I realised, I don’t love him. 

I love the fantasy of him. 

I love the memories we had. 

The good time we spent. 

The empty promises we made.

I love the feeling of falling in love, not him. 

What I’m letting go is an abuser 

A hot tempered person 

A manipulator

A narcissist 

A selfish person 

I can never list down all 

The damages he has done to me takes long time to heal

I keep telling myself I can’t control myself 

I’m not strong enough 

No - I am strong enough to overcome this 

Leave when you know you don’t deserve what he done to you 

Leave when you know you deserve better 

Leave because he is not worthy of you 

Day 7 - 25 June

 We were going to put a full stop - but during the session with the ‘imam’, we stop - or should say he stopped. I was crying too much that he asked the ‘imam’ to postpone the divorce session.

I was feeling disappointed with myself. Why can’t I pull through the last step? I have been a burden for everyone around me for the past week. Why can’t I just go through this and move on with life? 

Then one of my friend said, this is you. You value relationship, that’s why you couldn’t do it. My emotion was too overwhelming. Or because he was not cruel enough? I need to overcome this.

This is now my new homework. Focus on yourself. Do not let others control you. Every human being has their own free will. 

Day 1 - 19 June

 Day One without the tube

I had a sleepless night, i woke up 3 times clenching my fists. blaming myself for what has happened. Even though everything happened for a reason, but the emotion is too overwhelming. 

I asked him to leave. Because I had too much pain. He hurt me too much and it is too pain to bear. 

I have to protect myself - I have to protect my children.

There are so many unwillingness in me. The will to leave, is it that strong? 

I am unwilling to accept that the past 1 year 8 months has been fake. Everything that happened is akin a dream. Now that I have unplugged myself, I have the tendency to take the tube back. Part of me refuse to leave the "matrix". It is a place i feel free and happy. It's a place I get to be the childish irresponsible me. 

 Heartbroken

Heartbroken because I am trying to break free from the trauma bond - which has too many invisible lines tying me down. 

Heartbroken because I am the one facing the battle - no one is with me but I see many hands outside the "Matrix" 

I want to be free too. I want to be strong.

I am on my own and only I can do it on my own! 

The road not taken

 Perhaps I have mentioned too many times, I would always take the road not taken. I do not like the norm, I enjoy challenging the u known. Which is also why ‘amazing’ things keep happening to me. 

2022 marks a significant change in my life. A life which was supposed to be normal became abnormal. ‘Happily’ married with 3 sons, few houses, cars, savings, almost perfect husband. All disappeared overnight because of what I did. Now I reap the ‘fruits’ of the tree I planted. 

2022, I started visiting psychologist. Turns out I have cPTSD. 

PTSD is related to single event while cPTSD is related to multiple events, causing it to be "complex" PTSD. Sure it doesn't sound interesting. 

Fast forward to 2024, June. I am still having treatments for this cPTSD - but I'm learning to be a better person. I got to know Rudolf Steiner's Anthroposophy as well as Waldorf School. It hasn't been an easy journey, I long to jot them down,  but I have no idea how to start or where to start. 

Or is this the beginning of the sharing?