Day 56 - 13 Aug

I’m staying with a useless man 

I am never the kind of person who looks down on people.

This time, I have to tell the truth

When I met him, he had nothing but dreams 

I enabled his dreams to become reality

When it became reality, I was blamed - he would’ve been better without a shop. His life would’ve been better if he had stayed as a worker. He was not thankful for what he had.

That was the time he said how sad he was because he is doing something he has no passion on. His passion is fashion, clothing. Food is not something he enjoyed. 

God is great! He heard his woe and took the shop away from him. God gave him a chance to do what he wanted to do - out from the misery I put him in. 

Guess what? He became depressed again. Depressed from no income and how he loved doing food business. 

Do you see a pattern? This is the pattern of a person who is never contented with what he has. 

This cycle will never end because this is who he is. 

The dark trait is not a disorder, it’s called a trait because it’s in the DNA. It will never change…

Day 52 - 9 aug

 I felt so stupid 

The reason I left my family, my husband was because he was romantic

He would buy me flower 

Yes, just a simple flower made me left everything

I am a person who is strong on the outside but so fragile in the inside. So sensitive that 1 stalk of flower can buy me over. 

When I asked why weren’t there any flower - all he replied was 

Flower is not real life 

You always ask me to live in the real world. What you want is not real

What is so unreal about wanting flower when I’m sick? 

What is so unreal about wanting gifts from the person I love when I discharge? 

He added, look at your age, look at your friend. Why would you put the blame on me? Finding small mistakes to create drama with me. 

No I’m not. I just want what I wanted. Is it wrong to want flower at 38? 

Yes it is. I can buy myself flower. I don’t need a man who doesn’t keep his promise. 

Day 52 - 9 Aug 2024

 I was admitted to Sg Long Specialist Hospital on 8-Aug midnight due to food poisoning. 

Normally, i would feel better after food poisoning but this time, after diarrhea and vomiting, my lower abdominal pain did not go away. The contraction would come on very frequently that I can't sleep or eat or rest. from 5pm to 10pm - then i decided that I want to go to the hospital and get myself admitted. 

This is when he came into the picture. I told him around 5pm that I had diarrhea and felt terrible. He cancelled his job and drove back to pick me and the boys from school. Arrived around 6pm and I told him what Ben told me. I had inflammation at the lower abdominal so the pain will be there, but it will be better as time passes. We waited till around 10pm and I woke him up saying it's still pain and I want to go to the hospital and get admitted. He replied "there is nothing wrong with you. You are lying. There is reason and you are lying that you are in pain when you are not" I can not imagine why would anyone say this to me, when I'm in so much pain. What kind of human will say this to a person who is in pain for several hours. He said : 

1. Your diarrhea is not smelly

2. You do not have fever

3. You are stress from work - you want to cheat MC

4. You are stress from your children - you find reason not to take care of them

Why on EARTH would I DO THIS!!!!

I am happy with teaching, I want to go to school everyday because I am so excited in the new things I can bring for the children. I love making music playing game with them.

I am happy with my children - although I keep complain they are noisy. But they are part of the reason I am alive. I am happy with my current status and environment. I am very contented with them.

My diarrhea is not smelly because the smelly part already gone, now the bacteria still inside and the shit just doesn't harden.

Fever yet to come because it takes time for certain bacteria to trigger the immune system.

Based on those reasoning? And based on the fact he hold on to that I used to cheat MC when I was working last time? Also, that was wrong - i will never get myself admitted to skip work. The most is get MC from clinic.... 

What kind of person would throw such accusation to someone who is so sick? And that person is the person he sees everyday. If he thinks so badly of me, why still stay with me? How can I make him leave? 

Day 36 - 24 July - Day 1 of him telling me he's leaving Malaysia this Friday

 I know I have to leave the relationship because he is not the right person. 

His qualities and moral values are not the same as mine.

But I am afraid to leave because I do know what's next. What do i exactly want? 

I have been depending on him, him bringing me on a roller coaster. 

I want to be a wife

I want to be a mother

I want a family to go home to

At the same time, I want me time for music

I want friends which has same interests

I have to move back to my family before I met him.

Day 35 - 23 July 2024

 He thinks my money is easy to earn.

RM 100k for his shop - I can simply earn back if I go back to work in Sg. 5 months i can get that amount of money.

So this is why he's still with me. Coz he knows I still have money for him.

All the going to Syria, US is all manipulation.

I hope I really can stop for my own good.