Day 34 - 22 July

 It’s obvious - the answer is in front of you 

What do you want? 

I want a complete family to go back to.

I want a house with father, mother, children whom I call family 

It’s obvious this is not going to happen because he is just trying to establish himself 

He is planning of leaving so it will not happen in a short period of time 

The question is if it is not going to happen now, then why spend time together trying to fix something which has no point of fixing. Even if u fix the problem today, it will lead to nowhere because there won’t be future. Whatever I do, it will be meaningless. 

Day 33 - 21 July 2024

He blames me

1. Coz I am selfish, I do not think for his future

2. Coz I do not help him anymore despite I still have some money with me - in his mind, I could've forked out capital to set up a restaurant for him

3. Coz I can't bear him a child - because I told him I will do it after he is stable in his life

Because of that, he has to plan for himself. Which means he has to leave Malaysia to go to a better "Country". Example, USA, Germany, Syria... 

Which also means he has to leave me if that's for his best

Come on! Isn't it narcissism?

He only thinks for himself. 

He wants the easy way out - which is for someone else to support him

If the someone can't, he has to leave - even though he said he will survive on his own - but I doubt.

He will then suck on another person until he gets what he want.

My brain: If he loves me, he would find ways to stay here and secure a future here.

His brain: If she loves me, she will sacrifice herself for me - she would give all she has to help me succeed here

My brain: Separation is never an option if one love another 

His brain: I have to leave here because I can't get her to sacrifice for me anymore

BOOM! A slap on the face?

Day 32 - 20 July

 I'm Lonely

It's not easy to be alone in a place. 

I used to be alone but no more after I married my husband. 

Yes, I still admit he is my husband.

I still tell people my husband is an engineer. My husband is still the father of my children.

Will I be ok if I leave A and go back to him? 

Undoubtedly yes. But how to make this transition easier?

I have a decision - its implementation and process is not easy.

Especially now when I'm so lonely. I have yet to learn the art of being alone.

Work to be done - being alone yet not lonely

Day 31 - 19 July 2024

 He made my heart so pain

How can a person be so heartless?

This is indeed a huge lesson I have learnt. 

When you treat someone good, he doesn't have to treat you the same. 

He is the first bad person I met in my entire life.

I have never met someone as bad hearted and selfish as he is.

He did not let go because he had no where else to go

I am still crying

There is no point to hold on anymore - this week is the time to heal and move on

He blames me for everything

He blames me for making his heart turned into stone

He blames me for all the good i done 

He blames me for all the things which happened to him

Faith was right, in an imbalance relationship

The person who gives is not always right

It is making the other person handicap

If the person had given a chance to strive

He would've succeeded instead of just waiting to be fed

Love is not always giving

Love is not expecting anything in return

Love is not lonely

Love is definitely not pain 

Day 28 - 16 July

I’m trying very very hard to move on 

I can’t stand him anymore yet I can’t live without him 

What is this!!! 

If the sight of him makes me sick, why still contact him? This is actually a good time to learn to move on since I’m so far away. There is nothing else left to salvage. 

This man cheats on you several times 

This man doesn’t appreciate you 

This man is not on the same level as you 

This man does not has any viable future 

This man holds on to the wrong values in life 

This man has low moral standards 

There is no way I will have a happy future with this man 

He is not able to share my life with me 

He doesn’t understand my life 

His channel is different 

His social life is different 

His wants are different 

Honestly, there is nothing left. 

放手吧，Diana…