I have been strong.
I have some urge to communicate with him but I stopped myself. His words has helped me a lot.
HY has been supportive. I was pretty cold - most likely I am still unclear of my own emotions
Somehow I feel I no longer need anyone in my life
I have everything I need
I have people supporting me
Also, I am only starting to learn what is love - the right love
He moved out today
The last sentence which came out from his mouth before we departed: I enjoy hitting people. I will not stop and I will never change. I’m telling you this so you can stop waiting for me.
It never left me.
I know he will tell me later on he doesn’t mean it (which is true coz he said it on 29 August)
I didn’t cry when he left, I only cried before he left and I was talking to him why this has to happen.
He is going to move out for good
Until now, I am still telling him i didn’t abandon him. It’s just that it’s not safe for him to stay with me and the children. He is violent, abusive. It’s not going to be easy for him to change. He doesn’t accept my advice nor does he show any sign of remorse. His mood and idea has been yo-yo’ing.
I have to leave for my own sanity. To keep myself in a healthy environment. I want to be happy, I have suffered too much… he is not my responsibility
I wished he had left and never came back!
Now he’s back, he is just a free loader.
He doesn’t has money, doesn’t has a proper place to stay, doesn’t has friend who stand by him, doesn’t has a job.
That’s why he is here. No money for petrol, to go out enjoy anymore. Eat mine, stay mine, use mine! So disgusting.
When he has money he will not be at home.
He is just using my empathy and I still do not know how to chase him out for good without hurting him.
I have been thinking, since the morning he left to Cameron Highland.
He was at home the whole day before going to Cameron. I wondered why - then I know, it was because he needed money for the trip and I was the only one who could loan it to him at that point of time. I was his last resort.
That morning, he replied ok to help me open the washing machine or hang the clothes but he forgotten about it. Why. Most probably he didn’t remember my message or my message means nothing anymore.. I called immediately after he hang up but after 7 WhatsApp call and 2 line call, he didn’t pick up. His reason? He was at the parking-no line.
Evening, I lost my earbud but once again, my message meant nothing. He didn’t reply until his live was over.
Then there is another night, he didn’t read my text but he was online. I called, no pick up. Then he online, I call again. He picked up, talk a while and he muted. When asked, he said he was sleeping when I text, then now he’s eating. He asked to stop suspecting him. Minutes later he texted saying he was not doing anything.
No explanation, no answer. Only lies and reflected questions. Relationship with narcissst is only on the surface. They do not have soul or even spirit. They are a shell without body.
He stayed another night in Penang for God knows why. Even though I have a colonoscopy on Monday, he didn’t bother to make the effort to be back to help.
It just tiring to be the one always giving and yet being condemned when didn’t give enough. Love is not only giving. It’s mutual, it’s helping each other. It’s a partnership. If there is only one person who is always giving, the day the person stop giving is the day the relationship stops.
Sunday night when he was supposed to be coming back, I told him it might not be good environment for him. I will be taking laxative for colonoscopy tomorrow. It might be noisy for him. The kids need to be up 6am and leave at 630am tomorrow-his sleep might be disrupted. His gum is swollen so he needs plenty rest. I presented facts to him - in the end - he decides. To be with ‘family’ regardless of what. Because what joy is more joyous than being with the person you love. Even if it will be noisy or uncomfortable - I know I will be happy if I’m in pain but the person I love is next to me…
His choice was - I choose my pleasure over anything else. I am in pain, no one else’s pain matter. I will be in peace and there is nothing else matter except me.
And this is how I know, I will be abandoned when I’m sick. He will never be the person who sits beside you to take care of you.
