Day 26 - 14 July

 I watched a movie “the idea of you”. Anne Hathaway who is 40 fell in love with a pop singer, who is 24. 

The love was intense, similar to what I had.

But there were many obstructions from the society. 

They had to separate and revisit their relationship 5 years later. It hasn’t been easy, but they made it. 

It made me think, they are really mature in handling the relationship. In knowing the right thing to do. 

Me, on the other hand, I’m selfish. I put my children at risk. My family at risk. This is never the right thing to do as a matured human being. I have failed to grow to be a matured human. 

Realisation is the first step. What’s next? What’s the right thing to do and how to do it? 

Day 23 - 11 July

 It’s disgusting! 

It’s disgusting when he shows photo of my car in his videos 

It’s disgusting when he shows off the expensive perfume he uses in his videos 

It’s disgusting when he shares stories of his experiences as if he did it on himself 

It’s disgusting when he omits me in those lavish holidays we had together 

It’s disgusting he uses what we had, mostly from my, to get other woman to respect him 

This is so cheap!!! 

It’s disgusting now he has no place to stay, he stays at my house- bring his brother to stay 

Then uses my things - my towels, my water dispenser, my washing machine, my fridge, my stove, etc 

But when I needed those things, he wouldn’t be responsible. 

It’s so disgusting how a person can be so irresponsible or take advantage of others! 

This is his way of life. The major problem is the person who enables him - me!!! 

Day 22 - 10 July 2024

 It has been almost a month. 

I am now on vacation in New York 

Last night as I was watching Moulin Rouge on the Broadway, I cried. All my memories with him popped up. How could he cheated on me emotionally? How could he have been looking at those woman while saying he loves me? How could he have divorced me out of anger? How could he abuses me physically and emotionally? 

Love shouldn’t hurt but this hurts. 

Love is not manipulating, yet he does it all the time. 

Now he is jobless and owes money, i allowed him to stay at my house. Why am i so kind? Haven’t I realised that not everyone deserves kindness?

It hurts. Especially when he uses my things to attract other woman. My car, the perfume I bought, as well as shirt we chose together. 

How much longer do I allow myself the pain?

Day 16 - 4 July

 His thinking 

If the wife knows her husband starts looking out, she should pay more attention to him 

He is not responsible in ensuring he doesn’t look out

He is supposed to be taken care of. He is not responsible to sustain the family. 

Because of this, if he betrays the marriage - it’s not his fault 

It is never his fault 

Day 15 - 3 July

 It has been on off on off

Was I tricked during the hoovering? 

Does it means I’m not aware enough to pull myself away or I am still too soft hearted?

Last night he called and cried. He admits he was wrong to want to play around - looking around for other woman 

Why did I accept this? Or maybe I don’t. There is a needle pricking my heart.