Day 36 - 24 July - Day 1 of him telling me he's leaving Malaysia this Friday

 I know I have to leave the relationship because he is not the right person. 

His qualities and moral values are not the same as mine.

But I am afraid to leave because I do know what's next. What do i exactly want? 

I have been depending on him, him bringing me on a roller coaster. 

I want to be a wife

I want to be a mother

I want a family to go home to

At the same time, I want me time for music

I want friends which has same interests

I have to move back to my family before I met him.

Day 35 - 23 July 2024

 He thinks my money is easy to earn.

RM 100k for his shop - I can simply earn back if I go back to work in Sg. 5 months i can get that amount of money.

So this is why he's still with me. Coz he knows I still have money for him.

All the going to Syria, US is all manipulation.

I hope I really can stop for my own good.

Day 34 - 22 July

 It’s obvious - the answer is in front of you 

What do you want? 

I want a complete family to go back to.

I want a house with father, mother, children whom I call family 

It’s obvious this is not going to happen because he is just trying to establish himself 

He is planning of leaving so it will not happen in a short period of time 

The question is if it is not going to happen now, then why spend time together trying to fix something which has no point of fixing. Even if u fix the problem today, it will lead to nowhere because there won’t be future. Whatever I do, it will be meaningless. 

Day 33 - 21 July 2024

He blames me

1. Coz I am selfish, I do not think for his future

2. Coz I do not help him anymore despite I still have some money with me - in his mind, I could've forked out capital to set up a restaurant for him

3. Coz I can't bear him a child - because I told him I will do it after he is stable in his life

Because of that, he has to plan for himself. Which means he has to leave Malaysia to go to a better "Country". Example, USA, Germany, Syria... 

Which also means he has to leave me if that's for his best

Come on! Isn't it narcissism?

He only thinks for himself. 

He wants the easy way out - which is for someone else to support him

If the someone can't, he has to leave - even though he said he will survive on his own - but I doubt.

He will then suck on another person until he gets what he want.

My brain: If he loves me, he would find ways to stay here and secure a future here.

His brain: If she loves me, she will sacrifice herself for me - she would give all she has to help me succeed here

My brain: Separation is never an option if one love another 

His brain: I have to leave here because I can't get her to sacrifice for me anymore

BOOM! A slap on the face?

Day 32 - 20 July

 I'm Lonely

It's not easy to be alone in a place. 

I used to be alone but no more after I married my husband. 

Yes, I still admit he is my husband.

I still tell people my husband is an engineer. My husband is still the father of my children.

Will I be ok if I leave A and go back to him? 

Undoubtedly yes. But how to make this transition easier?

I have a decision - its implementation and process is not easy.

Especially now when I'm so lonely. I have yet to learn the art of being alone.

Work to be done - being alone yet not lonely